Same me. New calendar.

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And so the inward looking begins…or continues… in search of meaningful & achievable resolutions. Pointless to say I will exercise more and eat less, folly to suggest I can change much about how I process my external world. I’d be lying to myself if I vowed to drink less red wine and avoid chocolate and cussing.

I need smaller resolutions, tiny resolutions that will be little stones in a giant pond. I need to find tiny ways to alter how I give myself to the world, to my family, to those I love. I need little itty bitty meditative alterations that will smooth the painful bristles of my coat, that will make me more huggable and less of a systemic shock to those whose well being matters most.

I want to be gentle. I want to be kinder. I want to be more loving, more giving, more forgiving, more forgivable. I want to be soft. I want to be feather soft. I wish to be a balm, a soothing salve rather than a burn, a wound, an abrasion.

I don’t know where these new ways of being live. I don’t know where to find them. I want to.

I want to.

It’s a new year. This year there is no hollering, no kicking of cans. This year there is only quiet retreat, a catch in the throat, a throb behind my left eye. I wish things I can’t give, I’ve given things I can’t reclaim.

It’s almost a new year. It’s almost a new…

No, it’s the same me on a new calendar page unless I can find a new path.

And the stone is about to fall, and the pond is about to ripple.

So happy new year.

 

Holler, kiss, & kick that can

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New Year’s Eve 2012… the next year about to begin, the old not quite used up…gasping its last. What a helluva year. Do you know anybody who can’t say that? It seems like 2012 was quite simply one helluva year.

We survived it… twice we expected to be on the other side of the apocalypse, but here we stand, champagne on ice, ready to holler out the old, kiss in the new and start the next kick at the big can.

My kids are all getting spiffed up… all heading out to their respective cool parties. Aged 15, 17 and 19 they have little need of us this evening save as designated drivers should the need arise. The husband is having a snooze, and I’m trying to decide if there’s something subversive about going to the movies alone on New Year’s Eve.

Whatever 2012 brought you, I hope there was more good than bad. I’m sure there were some crappy days but I’m willing to bet there were plenty of good, even great days in there.  I’m going to try to gather up the good and great days, hang on to them and let them carry me into 2013.

I’m trying to keep my resolutions to a minimum… resolve to do more of what I love, more of what makes me happy, dwell less on the things that don’t.  I hope to grab hold of the last few months with 3 kids living in my house, enjoy them while they’re all home. I think that’s enough, really. All the rest of the things I might add to the list should flow naturally if I work on taking care of my own happiness.

So go on you, celebrate. I’m going to be thankful for what I have, put to rest at least some of the burden of worry I cling to and try to love just a little bit more.

Happy New Year… bring on 2013!