I’m a size 10. So I’m gross?

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I grew up as a dancer… ballet, tap, jazz, non stop competetive dance from the age of 5 until I finished high school, having won the top prize in my Provincial competition… best of the bunch. I battled my body all through my teens… fingers poked at my “midriff bulge”, fingernails dug into my derriere and told to LIFT IT! LOSE IT! PULL IT IN! SUCK IT IN! My years as a young woman were rife with negative body messages, blatant and more oblique…as a dancer, there’s no such thing as too skinny. Predictably, I succumbed to the pressure. I stopped eating. Everyone around me feigned shock and horror, but I shrunk and I won the BIG prize, so the dismay was muted. Once I’d won, I started eating again and everyone breathed a huge sigh of relief. It wasn’t a PROBLEM I had, it was a SOLUTION… I’d lost the few extra pounds I carried and clearly it had all been worth it…, no?

I stepped away from dance for about 10 years and, strange truth, I got slimmer. I stopped obsessing over my weight, found a man, got slim. Got REALLY slim.  When I got married, my nearly 5’6″ frame carried only 118 pounds, barely a size 2. I wasn’t dieting, wasn’t sick, wasn’t trying to be slim. I ate chocolate, candy, chips, pancakes, you name it. I also smoked… that did it for me. When the babies started coming, I got slimmer and slimmer. With each baby, my feet got bigger and my boobs got bigger… otherwise I shrank almost immediately to the size I’d been before birth. Then I’d get smaller. I had 3 babies in 4 years, nursed each one. I smoked (I will forever be ashamed of this) during my pregnancies…yes, I cut WAAAAAAY  back to a few a day, but still. I then carried, chased, ran after, held, rocked, fed and cajoled those three babies while blessed with a hyper drive metabolism.  I also taught dance… up to 14 classes a week of jazz and tap. That burns a lot of calories.

Then I turned 35. I took a desk job, and thankfully I quit smoking at last. My metabolism did an about face and I began to gain weight. I now struggle to maintain what I feel is a healthy weight.

I don’t have a thigh gap. In fact I didn’t even know what that was until a few months ago. I have a bit of a pooch.  I need an actual bra, with cups and a bit of underwire. I have birthed 3 children, and there is evidence of that in various body parts. I’m also 46… there’s no escaping that though I’m no stranger to Dr. Botox.  I ride my bicycle when it’s warm, run, work out (not religiously), and salsa dance. Even so, I cringe when I step on the scale, cry when I can’t fit something that I want to wear, and have learned to despise shopping for pants, skirts and dresses. I’m okay with tops… so long as they are all big, baggy, hide my flab and don’t strangle my (apparently) freakishly large upper arms.

And I hate my body. I hate that I am no longer a size 2, 4, 6 or even 8. I hate that I get the “full body check tsk tsk” from the hyper cool gay sales guy at Le Chateau. I hate knowing that I am teetering on the very brink of “plus size”. Me. Hot, beautiful, strong, fashionable, powerful ME. Plus size. Scared. Horrified by my own body. How can I overcome this? How do WE, as women, overcome this?  I can cover it well with nice clothes and good shoes, but don’t expect to see me in anything clingy. Ever.

Mike Jeffries, in a 2006 interview which was made enormously public this week has declared that his brand, Abercrombie and Fitch will not carry XL. In fact the largest size they carry is 10. My size. MY SIZE. Anything larger than me is plus size and has no place in the fashionable universe. No. Nononononono.

I resent the idea that a woman of my size (average) and weight (absolutely dead average) is a plus sized woman. Who decided that?  What does that tell my daughters? I have two gorgeous, stunning daughters who are each within 15 pounds of my weight. They both hate their bodies, both think they are fat. I accept my culpability in that… how could they grow up with me and my warped body image without absorbing some self hatred at least by osmosis?

I have a couple of links for you today. One is a remarkable video curated by Dylan Lambi-Raine, Kayla Hatzel and Sarah Zelinski; 3 classmates in the Gender Studies program at the University of Saskatchewan. This video shows objectification of women… AND of men, in stereotypical roles and demeaning and degrading poses. Oddly the reflected version, images of men being objectified, is no less disturbing.

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/saskatchewan/story/2013/05/08/saskatoon-viral-video-university-of-saskatchewan.html

An interesting bit of history: the 2006 Salon article featuring Mike Jeffries in full dreadful flight:

http://www.salon.com/2006/01/24/jeffries/  It’s just a big old trash bag full of political incorrectness and awful misogyny.

So Mike Jeffries, go away. The cool kids don’t like you. Voice in my head? Get lost. Please? The truth is I’m actually pretty gorgeous, at least that’s what I’m going to keep telling myself. Every single day.

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4 thoughts on “I’m a size 10. So I’m gross?

  1. Hey Ms D. 🙂 I’ve had the opposite experience to you. I was (as you know) teeny tiny all of my young life. First child no worries. I went back to a size 5 immediately. Second child and I was a size 12. Twins and then very early menopause and it was game on. At my largest I was a 22. I’m now a 14. And you know what? After years and years of obsessing on myself, my size, my ‘fat’ why can’t I be thin again I’m finally getting to be ok with it. Really ok, bits and all. Couple of reasons why…

    Number one. I have great skin. Seriously good skin. Not a wrinkle or a line on my face, good skin on the rest of my body. I work out every day, at the gym at least 3 days a week and a long 5 or 6 km fast walk the rest of the week. I do my best to eat like a healthy human being. I love cooking and chocolate and wine. And I eat a bit of everything, no gluten, dairy free here. My dermatologist tells me this is because I haven’t spent years on a diet or restricting my food intake.

    Number two. I’m alive. Seriously. We have lost friends to cancer the last few years and it is a reminder to me that if you are alive, and healthy and feel good and your body does what you want it too ( most of the time lol) then you are truly lucky. All the skinny in the world can’t give you that back once its gone. And I like the person I’ve become, which has helped me accept things like changes to my body that cannot be reversed. Somewhat ameliorated yes but reversed no.

    And I have had the grand good luck (or is it good judgement) to be surrounded by people who talk about how important it is for women to look healthy and be healthy. And that trying to return to a time in your life of skinny which was backed by uber high metabolism is neither attainable, reasonable or emotionally or physically healthy.

    I have bad days where I think AUGH. But that’s pretty normal for every one I think. I have a on ongoing love affair with http://www.ASOS.com for clothing 🙂 Be GOOD to yourself chica. Be kind to yourself. Life is too short to be waging war in this way…

  2. Sonia says:

    I’m right there with you, as you know. Always struggling at the edge of the dreaded “plus” category, even while eating healthy food (not too much! not usually…), exercising (not enough! but trying…). My size 12-14 body is apparently disgusting to the “cool kids”–but when I look at pictures of Mike Jeffries (yeah, I dug one up so I’d know who I was ranting at!) and see that his face is the result of way too much plastic surgery… I almost feel sorry for him. Almost. Aren’t the bullies usually the most insecure kids of all?

    We’re not “gross,” my love. We are real, strong, and wonderful women, extra floppy bits and all. 🙂

    • You’re right on all counts, of course. I think we are both gorgeous, but there is that little voice in my head… the mean one, that just won’t stop some days. Especially when I’m shopping. Ick.

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